Holiday Heartbreak | Loss, Grief, Hope

Have you ever found yourself missing a loved one around the holidays? My heart is with you. It is not an easy journey and the first time I experienced this pain years ago, I realized there were very few resources or words that encouraged me.

Over the past three years I've lost a loved one near the holiday season. Loss is difficult in any form but especially around the holidays, it is hard to grieve in full. The season is often crowded with people purchasing gifts, attending holiday parties, and worrying about what to wear or what to bring. I've found myself feeling there is little time to comprehend that a loved one won’t be present during the holiday festivities because of the hustle and bustle. Maybe you've tried to conjure up the joy of the holiday season out of guilt that you didn’t feel the season's joy as much this time around. The many times I felt that it led to me suspending my grief and dulled the joy I could feel if I had embraced the discomfort and given myself time to heal.

Loss

Maybe you’ve been there or you know someone who has experienced something similar. Grief was a foreign concept to me before I experienced losing family members. The reality of everything changing hit faster than I could process and I found very little stories or resources that comforted me. When my grandfather was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer he was only with us for a few short weeks following. He passed just before Thanksgiving. My family and I were sad, numb, and completely lost in the storm of it all. There was a lot to process – I heard of his diagnosis over Facebook and the visit home following it he was talking and coherent. I banked on having time but a week later he was no longer comprehensive. Once he passed I felt guilty for not taking weeks of vacation from work as soon as he was diagnosed. I had never seen someone deteriorate so quickly and it was devastating. Someone who had such a large role in my life was now gone.

The following October my aunt checked herself into the ER. Her liver (transplant) failed upon arrival and her kidneys quickly followed. Within 12 hours dialysis and life support were no longer enough to keep her with us and she passed. It was especially traumatic when I found out alcohol abuse had led to this outcome. A wake up call to me, I grieved the loss of my aunt and walked away from alcohol. It was a journey of processing the loss of her and the abandonment of a vice that kept me from living in the fullness of who I was meant to be. I didn’t fully process the loss of her a year later, when I ran the marathon and woke up the next morning to remember it would have been her birthday. I knew if she were still alive how proud she would have been of my accomplishment and I had no doubt she would have been at the finishing line cheering me on. It took me a year to wrap my mind around how she passed. And another year to grieve she wouldn’t be here to celebrate my highs and encourage me in the lows.

Grief is a process.

After the different experiences each year I can guarantee grief is not the same way every time and it does not get easier. There are healthy ways to process grief and unhealthy ways. I'm starting to unlearn the toxic routes through self-awareness and being open with those closest to me. It is a journey that takes time and intention.

Grief has many steps and none of them can be sped up. I was not someone who took my emotions into account when I first lost a family member. I didn’t know how to sit with the emotion, much less sit still. Over the years and with each experience I’ve honed some ways to cope that are healthy and constructive. I hope they are helpful to you and bring peace in a time where it’s hard to find it. Often our first impression of “trauma” may be something like a car accident but it’s certainly much more nuanced. It is a traumatic experience to lose a loved one and often the whisper of experiences culminate into something much larger if you don't have the space and time to process it all.

So how do you go from experiencing trauma and finding harmony and wholeness in the journey?

There are many stages to grief and it’s important we make space to acknowledge our feelings through the journey. Many of you know I also have faith in God and the balance with grief and faith is still a sore spot for me. Grief can become a mental health issue when we dwell on the emotions and allow them to rule how we walk through life. When faith comes into the picture, many people put pressure on themselves to walk away from grief too soon. This year when I lost my aunt a few days after Thanksgiving, I decided to create space to feel and move in the way I needed to. I shared with those I trusted when I was ready and took my time. Everybody has a different grieving timeline and each situation is different. After a month I knew it was time to step back in but I felt like I had lost all motivation. Searching for answers I realized the motivation wasn’t going to reappear and I began to take steps of faith, acknowledging the way I felt and pacing myself. When it felt too much, I stepped back and recognized my humanity. How do we learn to have grace for ourselves in dark times?

All of this is daunting to do alone. Support is vital and it is key to choose those who will listen, encourage, and empower you through bleak seasons. Many people do not understand how grief works and that it is unique to every situation and person experiencing it. When people are hurting, they don’t know what to ask for. A friend messaged me asking me to let her know if I needed anything after I shared my aunt had passed. I responded honestly, “I don’t know what to ask for!” And she began to list off movie nights, dinner out, a care package, etc. She didn’t avoid my pain and she offered a shoulder to cry on, a night away if I needed and the space to be myself. I didn’t have to explain what I was feeling, but my company was willing to be there for me and that spoke volumes!

There were moments during the early grief period where I could not find the energy to invest in myself. Whether it was exercising or reading, it was difficult until I found myself sitting in a salon chair and wondering, “How long has it been since I’ve done something that made me feel good?” These moments are uncomfortable at first. Turning off the noise, centering yourself on adding value to who you are, and doing something that brings you joy can make a world of a difference as you’re processing all that grief entails.

I’ll make this point briefly because I think it’s important to acknowledge. Negative coping patterns are a real way to experience grief. It does not lead to healing in a wholesome way and I’ll be honest, I’ve found myself here every year before this year. There were moments where I was slipping back into patterns to numb pain and prolong processing the reality. Prolonging pain can be normal for a time but when it reaches extreme levels it can be unhealthy. When I lost my grandfather I turned to alcohol. When I lost my aunt I turned to boys. Everyone has a different vice and the coping patterns can be different every time. I’m linking this page that explains it in a deeper and better way than I could, if you would like to read it.

This past month has been a time of stepping away to process the loss of my aunt and a new health diagnosis in the family that leaves the future uncertain for some of us. I sought resources throughout the city and my community as I wrestled with a knowledge of more change. Grief is a part of life. Some of us experience it sooner than others. But I'm not writing to just tell you how I'm feeling. If you are finding yourself in a valley and pondering where to even begin to seek hope - there are local and online resources available to you!

The Center for Grief Recovery offers a community and some fantastic resources online! The center is based at Loyola, a Chicago college, and offers various ways to pay for sessions.

For a little more unique support, The Compassionate Friends, provides support for families suffering a loss of a child. I've linked the location page so you can search your zip code and find a community near you! I am touched and excited by the 24/7 support groups they have organized, it truly offers so much peace of mind that you're never alone in dark times.

Local to Illinois, Willow House mission is for anyone who is grieving to not be doing it alone. If this is a cause close to your heart, they also have many volunteer opportunities and look for ways to utilize all who are willing. They do offer a training program for the volunteers and it is work that is truly makes a difference.

Sending you love, hope, and joy this holiday season. I hope this brought you peace, quiet, and a glimpse of rest!