Creating Space To | B R E A T H E|

Do you ever feel lost in the hustle? Exhausted to fit "goals" or keep the appearance of having it all together? I know I'm constantly wondering, "How does ____ do it all?"

At the beginning of 2019 I woke up to the realization my enthusiasm was dwindling towards all I was once so fiercely passionate for. I couldn’t put my finger on why my attitude towards doing what I loved was changing but I decided to take a step back (read more here + here)

In my step back I realized I was pushing myself to be on 24/7. We are raised to work long hours and nowadays everyone has a side hustle they’re passionate about. Our society has come to expect robots - on and producing at all times. Fighting the perfection mindset challenges the thought, “my achievement is my worth.” Because our insecurity flairs when we sit still it is important for us to create habits and surround ourselves with people who support and collaborate!

What do we do when we are burnt out, emotionally zapped, and have no one to go to? A friend of mine confided in me today, "I come home from work so exhausted but I'm lonely. I'd love to go out with friends, but I'm tired." And as I listened to her contemplate what would create space for her to process, it excited me to hear her ideas. "Maybe therapy would be a good place to process some of this and not feel so alone. You know, it would be nice to come home to a little pet, smiling at me. Just someone to sit with." And I totally understood that. You know why? Because isolation feeds my need to be perfect. Questions can flood my mind, “Am I doing something wrong, why aren’t things going smoothly, am I the only one feeling this way?” Then my fear of failure steps in and inhibits my creativity, concealing my true expression. Why do we push away others when we feel that we are not enough?

In the past year there have been women that I've grown close to in community. We can share in the victories and defeats, even if it's just something "felt". Don't get me wrong, I did not walk into our first gathering ready to sit down and spill the beans on my life story. It took a lot of time to get to a space where we can say, "I'm not feeling this. It makes me angry." And someone can respond, "Why does it make you angry?" which we run with and break it down. Last time we did that it evolved into a full-on brainstorm session where we strategized how to overcome some obstacles we felt our community was facing.

Community consists of moments of vulnerability and facing that fear of someone judging you. But finding a place where you can bring the raw thoughts and feelings you're wrestling with, the hard questions you're navigating is worth the risk and effort. I've come to realize sharing the hard stuff in a safe space really does help you see the full reality. We all are walking through complicated situations - not one is the same. How much of a fuller life do we live when we share those with others and see the grace we can have for each other and ourselves?

I fully applaud those with the courage to open themselves in a way that reveals what they may deem "messy". So often our messy is not perceived by others - or at least with the weight that we attach to it. The reality is that we are people who ebb and flow. Our mood changes, our desires fluctuate, and we do not have the compacity to be on all the time. But what happens when you feel like your identity is lost? How do you come back to your core belief?

Alright, maybe you're thinking, "Slow down, sis! This is so fast! How do I be honest with others when I feel so lost in my own head?" Once again, I'll remind you. Insecurity and isolation fed my need to be perfect. Ultimately, taking time away to reflect was what I needed to create space to breathe. Cultivating consistency in this habit can be hard but when you merge the practice of exploring the ins and outs of our feelings with confiding in a trusted source about how we feel, the two compliment each other beautifully.

Creating space, (for me) is first, remembering I'm human. That means there is no "perfect" day because our expectations continue to rise with each "easy" step. There will be setbacks, messy scrapes, unexpected surprises and they all make our time here what it is. Secondly, when those lows and highs happen, I write them down. Journaling is SO therapeutic to me. Everyone has a different way to process but here is my secret to the ultimate release for journaling: don't edit your thoughts. Scribble it all down as fast as you think because this is your space! And when you look back to read how you're feeling you begin to see the world a little bigger. Why? Because you put those jarbled thoughts on paper, re-read them, and just maybe have a greater understanding of what you're processing. This space welcomes you to have grace for yourself. At first, I thought it was a waste of time. Then I thought I wasn't good at it. But I couldn't negate my days were clearer and more positive when I took the time to write it out.

Even though I love writing it was so hard to share what was really on my mind with an anonymous piece of paper!! Maybe we’re so intimidated by true vulnerability because we see the many highlight reels as we scroll that we compare the wins in everyone else’s life to our day-to-day. Even when we share our rough moments, they never have full context. Could it be that our full feelings are held back in fear that we are too much? Yet we subconsciously create a narrative that we are not enough. How do we combat that?

If our community expects us to look as if we have it all together or that is the pressure we perceive, it may be time to find a new support group. It is also worth considering that our inner narrative has manipulated us to think it is "normal" to have it together at all times and that no one else has bad days! No doubt, being vulnerable is scary. However, when we are alone we are the most vulnerable.

In a recent conversation with my friend and blogger, Kailtyn, we inspired each other in our hunger for authenticity. After meeting up to share our thoughts and feelings we realized there was more to share with our friends on social media. As we took steps to challenge the intimidation of vulnerability and invite others in the journey we were so inspired!! We took the leap of vulnerability and with each step that revealed our insecurity, friends and followers came forward with a resounding, "me, too." With each fear we addressed it truly came back to:

“This fulfills me, it doesn’t define me.”

We can do the work of self-awareness and growing in a community, but it takes an intentional heart to define what fulfills them. Once you've defined what fulfills you it is a matter of sticking to your stance. You've been consistent in your discovery, can you stick it out? Community also serves as accountability and that is why I so often mention that you are not alone. I recently met a lady who had just moved to the city for work but couldn't find any community. "Moving from Philly, I'm kind of surprised to see that Chicago can be a little cliquey." And she's not wrong! I was sad to discover the same thing when I moved here at 20. I couldn't even hang out with people in bars, how the hell was I going to make any friends? I briefly touched on it in this post but I can tell you, find something you're passionate about and you will find your friends. Do you like kids? Join an after-school tutoring program. Love to give back? Join a junior board on a nonprofit. Is fitness your thing? Stick to a regular class and you'll meet new people! There are endless ways to form community and if you need someone to brainstorm with I'm only a message away!

Just remember, consistency is key. Especially when we make commitments as foundational as staying true to ourselves. I believe in you and standing with you!

CHEERS from C H I C A G O,