FIGHTING FOR RESPECT
Can I speak on behalf of the majority of us and say it's been a tough week? I loosely followed the Kavanaugh hearing but to be honest, it opened up some deep wounds I wasn't ready to face. I think the majority of us, especially women, see this as an absolute (concluding he is not fit for the Supreme Court.) Yet in my circle I still hear men muttering that this situation is "complicated". It's not and I'm here to tell you why.
Women are amazing. They pack a punch with their wit, emotional tenderness, secure strength, and honest humility. And yet we are often are judged by our appearance or determination that is seen as "intimidating, too masculine". I won't get started on perception and what really matters because I already talked about that here. I am going to be talking about my story, the sludge this trial unearthed in my personal life, and what is keeping my head above water.
“HE'S GASLIGHTING YOU!”
She shouted across the table. I didn’t even know what the term meant but I still denied it. “It’s probably my fault, my messy past is causing me to interpret it through a toxic lens!” —if you’re inner dialogue has “toxic” pointed back at yourself every other paragraph, something’s wrong, honey. And it’s probably not solely you.But for so long our society has chosen to play the blame game. If we write off situations as "boys will be boys" it sends a very strong image to the rising generation that people are not accountable for their behavior.
I was 8 when I realized a boy in my class wasn’t respecting my space or body. I spoke up. You know what happened? They told him he had to write an apology letter. And then put us back in the same group. I was 22 when my “no” was considered a “try harder.” I was 24 when I was gaslighted into feeling that sharing my emotions were not “respecting privacy.” The DM’s every girl receives reducing her to only outward appearance sends a message that there is nothing more to her. You know what each situation has told me?
Your voice doesn’t matter.
You see, in a male-dominated society (not for much longer) women have been placed in a corner and were told to be happy they could be in the room. They received attention or success statistically because of how they looked instead of who they were. It's about time we start saying, "I'm in the room so I'm taking the mic. My voice matters and I hold value."
Did it anger anyone else hearing,
“I convinced myself that because Brett did not rape me, I should just move on and pretend that it didn’t happen.” from Christine Blasey Ford? I thought I was going to vomit. Yet seeing a strong woman with an army of goddesses behind her made me realize I wasn't alone either.
The accounts presented and the tones I heard left me visibly disturbed. It reminded me of how I felt when the reply to my sharing a present traumatic experience was, “At least he didn’t touch you.”, “Glad it didn’t go further.”, “Hope it doesn't happen again.” I would have loved to hear, “How are you feeling about that?”, “What can I do?”, “Do you feel safe now?”
I am not here to debate politics because I do not see this as a political issue. This funnels down to our morals as a society. Are you sending a message of "silence the victim" or "support those who have been taken as prey? The narrative assault has been "handled" with in the past sounded like, "Were you young and stupid? Drunk? He didn't touch you - doesn't count. Are you just trying to get attention?"
Assault victims have not felt the support or safety to step forward. That's partially due to the shame society still connects with assault. Where is the accountability to hold males (generalization – all people) to a higher standard? Speaking as someone who has worked with kids for years, the conversation about how to treat others truly starts from day one. Empowering each child to understand their powerful voice, the boundaries we respect, and to listen when someone is sharing with us is so important.
We can work as a community to raise standards of how we treat each other. It simply begins by saying, “Hey, that was not respecting them when you shrugged off their comment that they were uncomfortable.” If we’re serious growing more intentional as a human race we need to watch what we’re categorizing as the white noise we are so used to processing in the age of social media and high-tech gadgets. It's time for follow-through and true community that doesn't tolerate disrespect.
We can learn to be receptive to an allegation that we have wronged somebody. If we’re innocent, we could invite an investigation with confidence there would be no evidence of any other action. If we were mature and self-aware we would acknowledge this is something to handle delicately as we are interacting with another person and certainly not a time to bring politics into such a personal matter. I do see the actions of our nation’s leader to be emotionally turbulent and it concerns me that someone with the same political affiliation would have power to support someone like-minded. Once again, this. Is. Not. A. Matter. Of. Political. Affiliation. This is an issue with our narrative regarding victims, our definition of assault, and our inability to hear others because we are so self-involved. The more aware we are of the internal conflicts we feel and the over-the-top amount of self-preserving we exude, maybe things can change. But that doesn’t happen without the right community and we discussed that last week, here.
If you are looking for ways to support sexual assault survivors, I've found two non profits in Chicago that are doing work you can join. As always, if this is something you are walking through or still processing this past week, I'd love to chat. Life is not meant to be lived alone and you deserve people to walk along side you in the highs and lows.
Empowering
Survivors
Ending
Sexual
Violence
CHEERS from C H I C A G O,
ashley brianna
*Photos captured by Frankie Fabre*
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